Brian turns 20 years old next week, so I have been reflecting a lot lately on the past 2 decades of motherhood . One of the greatest joys and sorrows in my life has been raising our beloved son, Brian. Prior to becoming a Mom, I never thought that it was possible to feel such intense love and despair over a child. It didn’t occur to me that such a dichotomy could exist, but these past two decades have shown this has indeed been the case.

For every two steps of victory, there has been equal steps of setbacks, making this journey with Brian very interesting to say the least. The highs have been higher and the lows have certainly been lower. I have definitely evolved as a Mom and am not the same person as I was almost 20 years ago. I have aged, raged, cried, worried, danced, rejoiced, laughed and loved greatly as a mother. I have also made many mistakes, taken risks, (despite my fears), researched, advocated, hoped and prayed. I still do all these things and always will, as long as I am Brian’s Mom. It is my legacy as a special needs parent and I pray daily for the grace/strength to do what is best for my son.

In some ways, raising Brian has certainly become easier with time and in other ways the challenges remain and always will. The difference now is that I am older, and am not as energetic as I used to be. I have to work harder at being patient and keeping a sense of humor/perspective. Self care is now front and center, instead of being on the back burner like it was for many years. There is no way to live the special needs life without taking care of myself, otherwise Brian and I both suffer. So, there has been a slow shift of perspective and priorities over the past 20 years to finally reach the summit of where our family needs to be in order to be functional, moving forward, and content, at least most days. Putting our own oxygen masks first, then Brian’s, has definitely served all of us well.

There have been many times over the past 20 years when I wanted to run away from home because Brian’s challenges have been too overwhelming for me. I have felt powerless, heartbroken, out of control and still do sometimes…I have been amazed by my own ultimate resilience , but that strength comes from a Power greater than myself. It’s just not humanly possible to run life’s marathon, day after day, year after year, without God’s help. It is in His strength that I am strong and able to help Brian live his best life and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Despite the ups and downs of raising a disabled son, motherhood has provided many wonderful rewards over these past twenty years that I feel so fortunate to have experienced. Brian shares his love so freely with others, persists despite the odds again him, and is the most loving person I have ever known.. He has a purity of heart and spirit that is genuine and very typical of special needs children. There is an authenticity in the way he interacts with others that is heartwarming. Brian is sincere and kind- he will never know guile or malice. He loves and accepts others for who they are and likes when this is reciprocated.

I am a special educator by background, but the true Master Teacher in our home is Brian. He has taught Jim and I so many important lessons about love, strength, courage, patience and resilience over these past 2 decades, more than anyone we have ever known. Our lives are truly enriched because of our son. Brian has challenged us to step out of our comfort zone many times to join him on his journey. Because of Brian, we have met incredible special needs families, therapists, teachers, counselors and volunteers. We are better people because of our beloved son, despite all that is required of him and us.

I look forward to having conversations with Brian one day in Heaven. I believe he will have a lot to say at that time, for he is from a large, extended family of talkers! In the meantime, he has learned to communicate in other ways and has also grown in his receptive understanding over the years. He has achieved many milestones, step by step, and we couldn’t be more proud of him and what he has accomplished!

So, without further ado, to our Beautiful Boy:

Dear Brian,

It is hard for me to fathom that you will turn 20 years old next week- when and how exactly did this happen? I can’t believe you will no longer be a teenager; the days have sometimes been very long, but the years have truly flown by…

Thank you for being our gift, the wonderful son that Dad and I have been blessed to raise and love! You are our heart and soul, dear Brian, and have given our life such precious meaning. Your hugs and love are legendary, never-ending and life changing. You have inspired, persevered, and continued on your difficult journey, but you courageously show Dad and I how to live life fully, every day, with grace and strength, even when it’s very hard to do so. I admire you so very much- you are my hero and precious treasure.

I wish you on your 20th birthday all the joy and love that your heart can handle, which is a lot! May you always know just how much you are loved and wanted. May you continue to be a blessing to others as the Joy Ambassador, no matter who you meet or where life takes you. May you always learn and experience new things in life to the best of your ability. May God protect your health and heart from all harm and always hold you in the palm of His hand…

Thank you for choosing me to be your Mom! I love you to the moon and back, now and forever… Happy, Happy 20th Birthday, Son!

Xoxoxo….

Mom 😘😘😘😘😘❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️