This cold, grey Saturday matches my mood, which is mildly depressed and tired at the moment. It is partially self-inflicted due to a major sugar withdrawal from the copious amounts of holiday treats that I swore I wouldn’t eat this year, but inevitably did. Another reason is because Brian has been playing the Beatles, “Here Comes The Sun” and rewinding/replaying the same Mickey Mouse episodes incessantly since school has been closed! 😫

Most of the time, I can block these things out, but today, which is Day 9 Off, has been hard. School vacations in general are tough, especially for our disabled children who dislike having their routines disrupted. Limited activities and winter weather keep us all indoors, so parents/caregivers have to be creative and patient, as the hours slowly go by.. Camp Mom is running out of ideas to keep busy and off the iPad, as well as steam to keep going. It’s always been this way, but this year seems to be particularly difficult for some reason…

Fortunately, we got out of the house and went to a hotel for a few days this week to break up the vacation. I am grateful we did this- both for our sanity and for fun, which it was! Pool time, breakfast buffets, walking around local shopping malls and dining in restaurants was enjoyable, yet despite these things, there is an internal dissatisfaction that I can’t seem to shake right now and a mental weariness that threatens to steal my joy…

I’m sure part of the reason for my malaise is because the holiday season is almost over and 2024 is just 2 days away- it’s a combination of both a sugar withdrawal and the realization, once again, how quickly time is moving on.. I used to make New Year’s resolutions, but would inevitably break each one within a few weeks. I have decided not to do that anymore, as I don’t want to set myself up for failure and feel defeated. But, I do want to make 2024 a good year in meaningful, practical ways, regardless of what happens. Easy to do? No- it will be a daily decision on my part and sometimes I won’t feel like it. But is it possible ? Yes- when I make the choices to ensure I will attain the goal that I set. The first step is deciding what I really want, then choosing wisely and realistically.

I have given this a lot of thought over the past few days- if I could be granted just one gift to make 2024 a good year what would it be? There are certainly lots of gifts to choose from, especially of the material kind. But these gifts, while certainly helpful, are temporary/fleeting and not soul-sustaining. I know that I definitely want a gift that will keep me grounded in both good and bad times; a gift that keeps on giving, regardless of my life circumstances…for me, personally, this is the gift of peace.

The Bible refers to having the “peace that passes all understanding”- I love this! This means having internal peace, regardless of my daily situations. The world may be going crazy ( which it definitely seems to be some days!) and everything and everyone is out of my control, ( which is certainly true), but if I can still maintain peace in the midst of chaos, hardship, and uncertainty, that would be the greatest gift I could hope for in this life. In fact, I believe true peace of heart and mind begets other gifts, such as joy, patience, hope snd humor, which is one of my favorites .

I can’t control others or situations that happen without my doing- I can only control my reactions to them and these things. I also get to choose daily how I respond to the people and things in my life. It’s human nature to want to control things, we all do it, especially when it comes to our children since we need to advocate for them. But what happens when things are out of our control? When we have done everything possible and still not get the outcome we had hoped for? Or perhaps we are impatiently waiting for answers and the silence is making us anxious and unsettled? All of the aforementioned I have done many times and it got me absolutely nowhere. There is absolutely no peace in any of these things , and, yet, I keep doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result, which is the definition of insanity. Why do I keep doing this?!

I think deeply ingrained habits are the main reason for why we do what we do. It‘s really hard to change – when I’m honest with myself about my own resistance, I am able to see Brian’s difficulties with more understanding and compassion. Fear is another reason- we like to have this false sense of control over every aspect of our lives to quell our anxieties, yet, we know deep down this is really an illusion if we are honest with ourselves…

It takes courage and honesty not to ignore what your gut or spirit has been telling you and to finally face the reality that true peace may be missing in your life. Perhaps you have reached a crossroad where you know you need to make a change and you are now ready to do something about it. The New Year is symbolic of new beginnings and hope…Although I know that my life will continue to have many challenging moments- the real question is what choices am I willing to make to ensure that I will receive the peace that I seek, despite what is happening?

I believe the first step in having the “peace that passes all understanding “‘is acknowledging that I am NOT the almighty authority on Brian and other people/things in my life that I think I am sometimes. I forget that there is a Higher Power greater than myself who is in charge. That is actually a huge relief, because I am not responsible for others and their choices. While I am responsible for advocating for Brian and taking care of his needs since he is unable to, I can choose to be at peace when I know I have done my best.

Secondly, peace will come if I am willing to believe it is possible. I have tried everything else at this point, so there is nothing more to lose and so much to gain instead. I simply have to show up, suit up and trust in the process and plan that is destined for me.

Thirdly, I have daily choices to make that can make my life peaceful- or not. I have the ability to think and change my actions/reactions whenever I want to. If something hasn’t been working for a long time, I have the freedom to change whatever I am doing to make things better, whether that is my attitude, my thinking, and for the peace in my heart and mind.

Fourthly, I must make an effort to HALT daily: am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? Special Needs parents in particular must HALT for the lifelong marathon with their children. If I don’t eat properly, express my anger appropriately, seek friendship with others and get enough sleep, I will definitely not have peace in my life: HALT is a prerequisite to peace or anything else that we desire.

Finally, there will be a price to pay for inner peace. It is a daily spiritual practice for the rest of one’s life that will require persistence and belief in the unseen at times. Seeking and desiring peace is similar to exercising a new muscle group for ultimate strength- it’s uncomfortable, even painful in the beginning, but the rewards are worth it: less stress, an enlightened perspective on life’s challenges, a stronger immune system and inner reserves of strength that you never knew you had…Yes, all of these things is really what I want in 2024! How about you?!

Thank you for following along today. Wishing you and your family the “peace that passes all understanding” in 2024 and beyond! Until next time..😘😘❤️❤️