“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
The above Serenity Prayer is one of my all time favorites and it never loses its power. Courage, Wisdom, and Serenity, 3 priceless treasures that I desire in my life. Regardless of who you are, what you believe, or your life experiences, at some point, you will need a power greater than yourself to endure very difficult circumstances, whether it’s the effects from a global pandemic, or raising a special needs child. I have learned this the hard way. Talk about feeling out of control , isolated, and frustrated! Our attempts to control our personal situations in order to make them better, especially during this unprecedented time, can sometimes be futile and beyond our grasp. We learn over time that despite our good intentions, we can actually be in the way of progress and the peace that we seek.
I have definitely struggled with feeling out of control, especially over the past 6 months. Humans are relational, so we are not used to being home so much or having restrictions when we do go out . Remote special education learning especially, has been very challenging for many families. Eventually, “this too shall pass”, but in the meantime, I still have my days when I raise my hands to Heaven and say “Serenity Now!!” particularly during those moments of isolation and frustration with Brian, when we are both so tired of the virtual routine. It also seems in no time, I also have a messy house once again, a mountain of laundry, an almost empty fridge. Yes, I do need serenity NOW!! I can so easily get overwhelmed and don’t always multi-task so well. I’m used to being “in charge” and am fiercely self-reliant, perhaps too much so..
We live in a world that values self-reliance independence, and “taking charge”. At the moment, it seems like these attributes have been put on hold due to COVID-19 and it feels very unsettling. As special needs parents, we must constantly “take charge” on behalf of our children who are depending on us to do so, regardless of an ongoing pandemic or not. It is the price of advocacy that must be paid in order for our kids to realize all of the resources that they will need in order for them to live their best life. This constant advocating is exhausting to say the least, but the deep love for our children keeps us going. Over the years, I’ve had to learn to pick my battles when advocating on Brian’s behalf, and let the rest go. Relinquishing control of things that won’t really matter in the long run anyway is for the best, but it certainly hasn’t been easy.
When you really think about it, control is truly just an illusion, it makes us feel like we are in charge of our lives, but the reality couldn’t be further from the truth. We can control people or things as much as we can demand the sky to turn green. As much as I wish that I could control the circumstances in my life the way I think they should be, (as it would certainly make daily living much easier), I cannot, but there is something I CAN do: exercise my freedom of choice and ultimately trust that all things will work together for the good, even when it doesn’t always appear that way. I can chose to believe that I am making the best decision at the time with the information that I have, then “let it go”. Boy, is that difficult to do! Fear rears it’s ugly head and you start to doubt your abilities, thinking you are going to make a horrible mistake-sometimes that is exactly what ends up happening, yet, we can learn from the experience. But there inevitably comes a point when you get tired of feeling fearful, carrying your burdens, and frustrated by your efforts that may or may not have made a difference anyway.
There is no doubt that raising a special needs child can invoke huge fear. I have certainly felt that many times over the years and still do. Our kids don’t come with manuals, so we are students of our children, trying to figure out who they are and what they need. We depend upon so many people to help us help our kids, that it can be both relieving and overwhelming. This is our children’s legacy and always will be, so how do we cope with this lifetime mission? There will be many circumstances along the way that will test our character and resilience as we help our children, situations that will force us to face ourselves, our actions, and our limitations. There will also be that moment when we realize that we can’t control things or do everything on our own. I have discovered that there is a lot of freedom and peace that comes with this awareness and ultimate acceptance.
In 2009, I was literally brought to my knees due to personal circumstances in my life that had knocked the wind right out of my sails. I was at home at the time recovering from colon cancer surgery when one afternoon, I felt a huge weight on my chest. I was having severe angst over chemotherapy that was to start in a few weeks. What I thought was initially a heart attack, was in reality a severe anxiety attack and I felt the most overwhelming sense of doom and gloom. The feeling was like a roof caving in; I was trapped, and unable to move. In retrospect, I was clearly at the end of my proverbial rope; the colon cancer, Brian’s needs, and my husband’s unemployment at the time, finally hit me all at once. I remember begging God to release me from the physical and mental anguish that I felt. I don’t remember exactly how long I was on my knees in prayer, but there was a remarkable peace that followed this episode. Although my circumstances hadn’t changed, my perspective had, and the overwhelming anxiety had dissapated. It was truly a life saving moment for me!
To make a long story short, this new found peace and assurance that God is ALWAYS with me, no matter what, has enabled me to go through life and face what comes, because I am not alone in my struggles . Now, of course I still complain a LOT when difficulties do happen, but the difference is, I am now free from the self-imposed expectation from my past that always said that “you are responsible for EVERYTHING, and mistakes aren’t allowed.” How ridiculous was that?! I know it’s crazy thinking! The first lesson that I learned right after Brian was born, was that special needs parenting is definitely not for perfectionists. It was an ongoing lesson that I’ve had to learn many times over the years.
At first, it was an intentional/ literal choosing of asking for God’s guidance and help, not just with Brian, but in every part of my life. Then the intentional changed to the natural very gradually over time, because I was ready and willing to take little baby steps in faith. The rewards have been great and have often exceeded my expectations, in terms of the people and resources placed in my life. It is not a coincidence that these gifts have always come along just at the moment when I’ve needed them most. I have learned that I just need to be willing, open, and trust God for the rest. He has not let me down, although I often wish His timing didn’t take so long with things,. Without God’s grace and help, it is too hard and virtually impossible to endure the inevitable trials that will come. I am beyond blessed to be a cancer survivor, my husband eventually found an even better job than the previous one, and Brian continues to thrive and live a life that he loves. Yes, the struggles will continue and are often painful, but I no longer carry my burdens alone and actually never did! I also may not know what the future holds, (and that is actually OK) but I do know who holds the future! I’m so glad that I’m not in charge, for I wouldn’t want that job!
Wishing you many blessings and “the peace that passes all understanding” in the midst of your current trials- you are truly not alone! Until next time, thanks for reading! 😊