2021 will be a year of major milestones for Brian. For starters, he will turn 18 this year, and with that, comes the “trifecta”: legal guardianship, social security, and Medicaid. First up is legal guardianship, a process that needs to commence 6-8 months prior to the 18th birthday. I don’t know why, but for some reason I had angst prior to making that intial call last week to get things started. I distracted myself with other stuff on my “to do list” last Monday until the day was over, then woke up with a heavy heart on Tuesday morning, knowing that the inevitable had to be done. So, I took a deep breath and made the phone call, surprising myself with just how thorough and organized I was while providing the necessary information. After the phone call, I thought, “that wasn’t so bad” and patted myself on the back for accomplishing this goal. Then out of nowhere the tears began to flow, steady and many, along with an indescribable weight on my shoulders and a broken heart. The old wound ripped open once again, with searing, inconsolable pain…
Grief is a curious thing; it never quite goes away, despite time, tears, and new seasons in life. Just when you think Grief has been tamed and put in its proper place, it can suddenly reappear out of nowhere, with the same intensity as the first time it arrived. Grief is an inevitable part of the deal as a special needs parent. I wish that wasn’t true, but it is an undeniable fact. Of course everyone will experience grief in their lives at some point, but our grief as special Moms and Dads, as it relates to our children, is directly proportional to the challenges/ losses/ lack of milestones that our kids go through. In our world, there is a sense of loss and grief over many things for our children that they will never be able to do or experience, unlike typical children. I find that there is never a right time for Grief to arrive on the scene, and in fact, it usually shows up at the most in opportune moments. No matter how much you might fight it, suppress it, or deny it, Grief will continue to persist, even when you think it’s been eradicated.
Last Tuesday was one of those days: Grief had me cornered, forcing me to confront my feelings and why I felt such despair. I concluded that I had good reasons to feel such profound sadness; perhaps you can also relate to my situation. Thinking about Brian turning 18 this year automatically brought me back to my 18th birthday. What happened then? I can tell you it was a very symbolic birthday, filled with great anticipation of the future. On that special day, I became a legal adult, I could also vote, and officially drink alcohol- wow, what a trifecta that was! I also had a boyfriend, got my first used car, and had received my acceptance letter for college, another trifecta! Most of us can look back at this time in our lives with great fondness and anticipation of the future- the world was truly our oyster with no limits and endless possibilities. It was these very things that I was reflecting on last week after the guardianship phone call that set the wheels of grief in motion.
Unlike my 18th birthday, I know that Brian’s will be exactly the opposite. He won’t be able to vote, drive, go to college, or have a girlfriend. Brian’s future will be determined by others; he is unable to have a say in what will happen to him. Brian will always depend on others for his future. Legal guardianship ensures that we, as his parents, have the legal right to make decisions for Brian when he becomes an adult because he is unable to. This is not what special parents hope for their children, nor is it natural, but this is often the reality and it is very hard. We have to constantly advocate, adjust, and dream new dreams for our kids. Our love for them drives us to provide a meaningful and fulfilling life that takes an entire village, the strength of Hercules, and numerous resources. Of course, we wouldn’t have it any other way and are determined to help our disabled sons and daughters live their best lives. But such an assignment comes at a huge price with equal amounts of love and grief. It is our reality and legacy, with so much that is expected of both ourselves and our children.
Fortunately, Brian is none the wiser regarding his 18th birthday or the many implications from it. I am extremely grateful that he doesn’t understand what he is missing, for that would bring on another heartache of mass proportions. Brian is a joyful young man for the most part and we have learned over the years what truly makes him happy. My husband and I have been blessed along the way with the goodness and resources of others who love our son, and they have helped us, to help him. We take great comfort in this, and our circuitous special needs journey has certainly been rich and rewarding in many ways as a result. Most importantly, Brian genuinely enjoys his life, including his repetitious routines, food, water, music, and the love of those who care about him. I would like to think that we have played a part in his sweet nature, but I also think this is the personality that God blessed him with, so that he can bless others. Brian brings us great joy, despite the hardships and heartaches. He is OUR heart, which is why it tends to be so fragile and breaks easily whenever major milestones are unfulfilled. This is the price of a deep, abiding love that will always be for our beautiful boy.
As much as I hate to feel Grief , it does remind me that I am alive to life, and my feelings. I think the alternative of not confronting Grief on its terms can be ultimately debilitating. You hear about people who “stuff” their grief instead of dealing with it, so the end result is perpetual anger, a disconnection from life, and even major illnesses. In my personal experience, as much as the grieving process hurts for our children , coming out on the other side of it has its rewards: resilience, perseverance, and love. Just when you thought you had enough of all 3 to last a lifetime, the latest episode teaches you that you have increased each one of these gifts exponentially. Just when you thought you couldn’t love your child anymore than you already do, grief shows you just how big your heart really is. It is these things that enable me to “keep on keeping on” with equal measures of God’s love and grace, for without His help, I can’t go one step further…
This New Year will undoubtedly bring new milestones for our special children, as well as accomplishments, setbacks, heartache, and hope. Our special needs journey guarantees these things and always will. While we won’t like being “refined in the furnace” during those inevitable times of trial and grief that will come our way, may we remember the rewards that WILL await us as a result of our courage and fortitude for facing the grief, even when it feels absolutely horrible. It is ultimately for our good and we WILL get through these hard times, one at a time… I try to remember everything Brian and I have already been through in our lives when trials do come and am reminded that we have an incredible history of being SURVIVORS! We already have a solid background in “survivorship”, so this will always serve us well when the going gets really tough. We, along with our amazing kids, are truly made of the “right stuff”, even when our circumstances would tell us otherwise.
As we take one day at a time in this eventful special needs journey with our sons and daughters, may we also savor those joyful moments with our children that are also inevitable. We have many memories and photos to document these times over the years and more of the same is on the way! While Grief is necessary sometimes, it is NOT our child’s complete story, nor ours for that matter..
Until next time, thanks for reading! 😊
4 thoughts on “My Grief, My Gain”
Such a moving message of love….so sorry you and Jim have to experience such grief but the abundance of love you feel for your beautiful son opens you to that grief. You care so much…Love you three ☘️💚☘️
Thank you so much, Ann, that is absolutely
Beautifully written! Thank you for showing us the gain of grief–love, perseverance and endurance–our suffering is not for nothing. Beautiful!!
Thank you so much! 😊
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