If you had the opportunity to pick only one gift that would have a major and lasting impact on your life, what would it be? This is a tough question because there are actually multiple gifts to choose from. There are many things that would certainly make our lives a lot easier and more comfortable. Perhaps money is the first thing that comes to mind? It is true that having money is essential to live, particularly when you have a special needs child, as the lifetime expenses are exorbitant. Money or lack of it, can indeed have a significant effect on one’s quality of life. Or maybe the gift that you desire most is good health, another practical request that becomes more relevant with aging and the never-ending needs of our children. Most of us want to be healthy enough to care for our kids for a long time because they will always require assistance of one kind or another. We know that the quality of their lives directly depends upon the quality of ours.

Unfortunately, life is often filled with challenges that can change the financial and/or health status in an instant either for ourselves or for those we love. That was certainly the case for many of us when our disabled children were born and even to this day. Our kid’s medical and behavioral issues have likely rocked the foundation of our lives to the core, and their health may still be precarious. Even our own health has been effected from the stressors of life and the care taking of our special children over many years. As wonderful as the gifts of money and health are, we know in real life that their availability can change in an instant when circumstances occur beyond anyone’s control occur, so what then? What gift can transform our lives for the better, regardless of our personal circumstances?

I have found through trial and error that serenity is the one underrated, priceless gift that can be ours if we are ready to seek it. Serenity can make a difference in our mental perspective and how we make our decisions in life, despite our difficult circumstances. Serenity is a daily choice, a spiritual practice: it’s a conscious decision to let go of what we can’t control and be willing to be open to what our Higher Power or God, has in store for us. Letting go and letting God is actually a relief: it means that I’m not in charge and I can release the burden that I have carried for so long. Is it easy to relinquish control of situations that we can’t do anything about? Absolutely not! Let’s face it: we human beings are control freaks by nature. We live in a “take charge” world that admires and encourages control. Anything to the contrary is considered to be a sign of weakness. But nothing could be further from the truth.

In our special needs world, both the parents and children have much heavier burdens than most. We are required to take control of all aspects of our kids lives because they don’t have the ability to do so. Advocacy is a form of control that we often exhibit on behalf of our children, whether it’s with the medical, educational, or recreational communities. This type of control is necessary and generally leads to outcomes that help our children live their best lives. We may have learned as children how to have self control in order to get along in life with others. However, our life experiences with our kids have brought many of us to a point where we must accept that there is only so much we can control in our children’s lives, despite our best efforts. That is one of the most painful realities to accept, which is why I liked denial for a very long time.. At end of the day, we finally learn that we can only control ourselves- our reactions, perceptions, and choices – collectively, these things determine how we handle situations that are out of our control. All of us will face these situations, if we haven’t already. The question is: what are you going to do when you encounter such dilemmas?

I loved being in denial and minimizing the stress that raising Brian was having on me. Initially, it was just easier to ignore the cause and effect and for a long time, and living this way worked-until it didn’t. I can share from personal experience that eventually denial no longer was my scapegoat, and I started to feel the physical and stressful effects from trying to be in control all the time. My sleep was effected, my stomach was often in knots, and my head sometimes felt like it would explode. I could actually feel my blood pressure rise on certain occasions , and my chest sometimes felt tight. I was feeling out of control and fearful. I wasn’t initially aware of the connection between my physical reactions and trying to control everything, but eventually put the two together. I came to realize that living this way was not living at all. I wanted to get off the insane merry go round of trying to control people, places, and things that were not my responsibility. I wanted to change and knew I needed help.

Perhaps you have heard the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. There is such power and peace in this prayer! I had been quite familiar with it from a long time ago, but it was reintroduced to me again in more recent years. My personal interpretation of this prayer is: I can’t change others, I can only change myself, but I need help in order to that – every moment of every day! As much as I would like to think that I am in charge of Brian’s life, as well as my own, the reality is, I am not, and I have my limitations. This revelation and admission was a physical relief! It’s a true freedom that one can experience. The result is true serenity, which is defined as “the state of being calm and peaceful”- yes, please!! I can’t , but God can, so I will let Him- regardless of the situation- the end!

Does this mean that I no longer feel anxious or out of control when difficult situations arise ? Of course not- I am human and will continue to react and have those feelings of fear and insecurity. The difference is now I know to ask my Higher Power to help me and direct my path- and He always does. It is a matter of faith and trust- I have nothing to lose and so much to gain, especially the gift of peace. I just have to be willing and open to what is possible, even if I don’t necessarily believe it. Having experienced the opposite for so long, I am grateful and relieved that the burdens in my life are truly not meant for me to carry alone and never have been…

May the peace that passes all understanding, especially in the midst of the difficult circumstances in our lives, always be yours. There is a Higher Power who cares deeply for you and wants to help…❤️❤️🙏🏻🙏🏻

Until next time, thanks for reading! 😊