Writing has been a form of catharsis for me for as long as I can remember..It all started with my personal diaries as a child when I was 10 years old. I faithfully recorded daily highlights, feelings, hopes and dreams in these sacred books that held a literal key- only I knew the secret contents. Eventually, this form of writing segued to more sophisticated types: term papers, reports and creative writing. Over the years, writing has been both a friend and a foe, including providing numerous ways to express myself, as well as during those infamous “writer’s block” phases where pen to paper produced absolutely nothing and would hold me hostage for a while.

I have been especially grateful lately for the ability to express myself in words. Life has been especially challenging these past several months. Losing a parent, raising a severely disabled young adult and the switch from special education to the adult world are major events that hit me really hard and I was trying to minimize them . For a long while, I thought that I had it all together and just kept going, because as special needs parents we really don’t have a choice… I was also blessed to have my Mom for so long, but still struggle greatly without her …To cope, I would welcome any distractions along the way, while doing what needed to get done, but, eventually, depression and anxiety overshadowed my world and permeated most of my waking hours.

I was not OK and could no longer ignore that fact, no matter what I tried . I feel very tired and ambivalent about things these days, despite getting adequate sleep most nights. Counting my blessings is no longer working either. I still hold a strong faith and believe in the end that everything will be OK, but the feelings of despair and frustration are legitimate and must be acknowledged. Feelings certainly explain where my head and heart are at the moment and are a gateway to what needs to be addressed.

Getting real about what is going on, though, is both scary and simultaneously liberating: I hate the feeling of depression and not having “ the illusion” of control, but I know that I don’t want to remain in the valley where I currently reside either. I desire to go back to the mountaintop, but I will need tools that will get me there and sustain me when I start to backslide. It’s been a long time coming- perhaps, dear reader, you find yourself in similar circumstances? You are definitely not alone.. At some point, all of us will have to face a “valley experience” of our own, it’s just a question of when and what we will ultimately decide to do while we are there..

I struggle a lot with how to make sense of what has been happening ..I am an outgoing person by nature, yet, it can be hard for me to share these difficult things in conversation. It is so much easier for me to write about them instead- I can process what I am thinking and feeling so much easier this way. It has always been interesting to look back periodically to see where I was at a given point in my life through writing. Lately, writing has provided tremendous solace as I try to reconcile my feelings, which are not necessarily facts, but are indicative of my reactions to situations that are hard and ongoing.

The good news is that I am getting the help that I need. I ultimately want to feel and get better and understand that it will take time. I recognize that it’s OK not to be OK sometimes, especially when life hurls really hard things that have to be managed chronically. Sometimes a good cry is enough, sometimes a lot more is required. In my case, a tool box with step by step instructions is necessary right now. I am also learning to grieve my losses and accept that while it’s painful to do so, it’s also necessary for healing and moving forward.

It’s OK to express disappointment, anger, frustration and sadness over life’s many challenges . It’s OK to be in a place of denial for a while to cope with hardships. It’s OK to be depressed and anxious when hard things happen- it’s all part of being human. I am hopeful going through the aforementioned will bring me to ulitmate acceptance and peace with my circumstances, regardless of the outcome. This is my ultimate goal, and by the grace of God, He will see me through this valley, step by step…❤️❤️🙏🏻🙏🏻 In the meantime, it’s OK to share tears along the way, it’s really OK, not to be OK sometimes…